The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
