i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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