Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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