after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
