I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
