I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
