Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
