can u get pink eye on your cock?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
