i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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