i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
