I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
