so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
