Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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