Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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