Princesses don't give blow jobs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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