he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
