He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
