She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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