I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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