i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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