Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
