i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
