i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
