Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Screwed.edu
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
