your room smells of hookers.
And success
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
