Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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