I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
