I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
