you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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