I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
