You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Randomize
