well you can't waste a boner
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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