We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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