You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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