It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
