I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I love having hate sex.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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