STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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