i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
