Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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