The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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