Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
