So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
