I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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