my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
