The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
