So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
