Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
