I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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