im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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