i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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