Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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