I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The air was thick with penises
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
